Shorty Get Low...cause I'm collapsing on the dance floor.

The lights were low, giving everything a luminous glow, though I could see paint peeling on the walls, the bar chipping. Keeping things dim was a management move, apparently. Not that anyone would really notice anyway, in their revery.

While contemplating with some horror the way the DJ was mixing clashing beats as he changed songs, I saw them: the couple. The couple on the dance floor, gettin' down. Literally.

And though this may sound like it's about to become quite steamy, only in the sense of glazed, glazed with pain. Hip pain.

His shorty was doing her thing, swaying and dropping in slow motion, but as I watched, I began to sense a sort of disconnectedness between the couple. He was standing before her, seemingly enjoying the moment...but was he?

At first I thought the slight grimace on his face was the tough guy exterior popular among dancing dudes-the expression that says "Yeah, that's right, she's my girl, we got it going on" and "I am not homosexual," not that you would even mistake that part because he's much to tentative and off-rhythm. The grimace was definitely there and as I observed, with growing curiosity, it also grew. She was short and as she balanced below his chin and out of viewing range, he went ahead and closed both eyes tightly. This guy has a problem! I thought, is he ok?

Why no, actually. His fist was balled up tight on his right hip, near the socket--he had injured himself in some sort of mishap and any sort of movement was eliciting a painful response. So ok, the guy was hurting, his girl was clueless (completely absorbed in "her thing"), so why was he attempting to dance along with her? Honestly, she seemed quite fine with solo work, but he was also moving in an awkwardly stiff sway-from the hips no less, well, hip, since only one was working properly. It was a slow rock back and forth, leg braced and sticking out. I realized I was grimacing too.

The grand finale of this side-show was his "drop down." While she was waving serpentine, he began to drop lower and lower in front of her, until his hip kind of gave out and he resorted to "embracing" her knees--out of "adoration," and mind-blowing system failure. At this point, I could no longer contain myself and laughed out loud, loudly under the cover of the fat beats booming from the speakers-thank you Mr. Bad DJ for at least the disguise of distraction. I have no idea how he pulled it off, but Bad Hip Boyfriend managed to wrangle his way back up, with the aid of her waist I think (though I'm sure he was cursing her for twisting it so much in his time of need). He actually kept at it for a surprisingly long time, until they walked out, shorty bouncing toward the door, battle-beaten boyfriend dragging along after her.

His leg was the last to exit the building.

How now...

Are you an educator?

Are you tired?

Are you sick?

Are these three strangely synonymous?

Does the "sick and tired" persist on your off-duty?

As Lucille Ball once asked so eloquently, do you "pop out at parties and feel unpoopular?"

Thank goodness there are little breaks here and there to save us from utter decomposition, but in the mean times, endurance is of the essence. In those wearisome class periods, end-of-the-quarters, and semester finals, the following ideas may come in handy.

Survival Tip #3: Multifaceted to Fit.

1. Use solid-colored drink containers for whatever beverage makes you happy.

2. Bulk up on snacks, I mean, bring lots of snacks on which to bulk up on...never mind.

3. For fielding those inevitable futile questions, use the "Five Finger Sign," a simple open hand up in the face of the curious terrorist.

Regular forms of said futility:

• "Can I have more time on this assignment? I was sick, my internet mysteriously broke, my grandma died, and then my goldfish too."

• "Can I turn in these assignments from last semester? Last school year? Cause the same class is offered this year too-I'm just not in it, but I was."

• "Can you arbitrarily change my grade even though I've done nothing to merit this senseless act? How about if my mother comes in and threatens you and says things that make no sense? Do higher authorities have veto-rights over your gradebook?"

Sometimes "No" just doesn't work; the "Five Finger" is a little more believable. Plus, it saves

on the voice and gives you time to ponder things like, "I veto YOU."

4. The Grand Finale, the "Go-to"

Sick and tired? Clearly, you need to lie down and just go to sleep. Right now. No veto.

How-To: The Continuing Story

Survival Tip #2

The Meeting Position

Bored of the routine? Try the Meeting Position.

Meetings are those little get-togethers always foretold of as "short affairs," and yet. You know how it goes.

And keeps going.

Ooohhhh.

Reliable? Every Wednesday.

Rigid? Often.

Romantic? Probably not.

Restless? Pick me.

Ok, so include "Resourcefulness," category "Rescue Devices," and see what happens:

1. "The Notebook," welcomed for notes of the meeting, of course, and with endless possibilities. Consider:

• Connect-the-Dot creations: anything goes...is that a lampshade of so and so's face?
• Gestural Drawing: a particularly ingenious option as the object is to draw nearby people without looking at one's paper. Oddly placed facial features make this gratifying every time.
• Flip books using the corner of the notebook pages. Perhaps wait to flip them gleefully in all of their animated glory till after the meeting.
• Ongoing games of M.A.S.H. Remember all the ways you learned to manipulate the game as a 4th grader, and the ones you perfected last meeting.
• Grocery lists for the pragmatic, weary, and hungry.
• Doodles that allow release of all those pent up "work emotions," everything from boredom (lazy leafy patterns) to rage (hangman gone very apathetic).
• As I said, the possibilities are hard to expire. Have at it...

2. Secret signs and symbols: For best results, share collective agreement on interpretations.

Unless confusion and chaos is desired, as it very well might be.

• Hand-motions: colloquial and common, everything from thumb's up to slashing movements across important arteries work.
• Eye brows: wriggles, skips, waves, culminating in the classical cocked stance. Generally, this codes for "Oh my g...STRANGE."
• Mouth: pursed, mobile corners (imagine they are hooking with thread and pull on the strings), or open abyss/yawn when things get especially windy.
• Various twitches, ticks, shrugs, stretches, and bone-cracking techniques when you just have to MOVE and hear something besides so and so...
• Mimes: "The Hunchback of Notre-Dame," "Moby Dick," and the "Birth of Shiva."

3. Borrowing...Thieving

• Waterbottles
• Pens
• Other people's precious notebooks
• Computers
• Bags
• Money
• Wallets
• Social Security Cards

*These items will be kept only until the owner notices, which could be for a very long time depending on execution, and if the item belongs to the group "absent minded professor."

4. The Meeting Position. Ah yes, here it is.

Ambiguous, yet effective in nearly all situations.

Throw down this moves when all else fails, or just for pure pleasure.

Meeting attendee should:

• assume a position of interest, even of intense fascination in what is being discussed.
• slowly, almost imperceptibly, this position should melt, slowly.
• most logically be lying on the floor in the end, the puddle stage. Eyes closed.
• maintain this position for at least three minutes for maximum effect.
• enter a meditative state, which is what's been desired all day. Delightful.

Best of luck and do let me know how it goes.