My Multiple Personalities

Personality test scores for me always tended toward "I'm such a FEELER. Can I feel you? Feel me." This was back in my semi-hippy days, where every opportunistic college lower-classman feels the need to vascilitate between "budding-philosopher-I-am-like-so-becoming-enlightened-right-NOW" and "Is it EARTH DAY?" This is supposed to ensure the individual with everything from a cool, natural, not-at-all-matching look to a cool "I am ME" reputation. I can pretty safely say I was too overwhelmed with just being in college to form much of an alter-ego, but somewhere out there, there is a photo of me with flowers in my long, "Is it curly or just bumpy?" hair; I am clinging to a tree yes, in a park. Jesus was also there, I'm quite sure. It's so serene, I can almost deny the humiliating truth that I am soooooo out of touch with the real, modern world. Oh well.

Myers Briggs indicated as much as well-A intuitive feeler who finds JOY in people, empathetic toward emotion, and ever so easily hurt. This was about 5 years ago.

Yesterday a friend asked me if I had been one of those "Mean Girls" in high school. When I said no, her clearly skeptical facial expression brought about some very intriguing questions. Why was she so disbelieving? Have my current traits of constant sarcasm, intrinsic judgement, and strong opinions got anything to do with it?

It was then that I realized,

I HAVE CHANGED.

In high school I was absolutely ADAMANT about everyone liking me and thinking I was a nice person. Oh the tears shed over what seemed a cold shoulder or impatient remark or the worst, gossip about me. I was friendly to everyone...then.

Now? Well, I'm afraid somehow, someway, the Myers Briggs characteristic of JUDGEMENT has snuck its way into my harmony-loving heart. This demonstrates itself in a variety of ways, to the point where I have been tagged as the Facebook friend who "won't take your crap," and dangerous in the deed of discipline: "Ms. Clark will devastate you if you talk in class!" "You are gonna whip them into shape!" and so on (authentic student quotes). Just being jokingly called "jerk" by friends has got to mean something. Oh dear.

When I look back to the years of the flowers, I have no idea when this change came about. All I know is I got older and consequently MEANER. Were I to categorize most of the people I see and events we as human deal with on a daily basis, words like "stupid," "ridiculous," and "Really????" would successfully convey my perspective. Unbelievably, I have warped into a proxy snob.

BUT,

I haven't given up entirely on feeling though. I'm still easily affected-funny since I hate to admit it. I still love my friends and would probably write a scathing blog about anyone who had mistreated them in the hope of destroying the provoker's LIFE (wait...is that protective or mean?). I just tend to fancy the feeling of logical reasoning as well. I can't say as I really thought through very much as that breezy teenage girl-I was too preoccupied with EVERYTHING, so much so that my conclusions drifted towards nothing.

I suppose this entire piece is a sort of apology-not the "I'm so sorry, can I weep on your shoulder?" kind, but the "Can I try to make sense of and explain myself?" kind. It's also to assure you, gentle reader, that I don't hate you if I laugh at you or say something sarcastic that ends up making you feel idiotic and publicly "dunced." Likely, I lack some of this wisdom and judgement I've been advocating for here. Is that the way it always is? The things we fixate upon the most are the biggest struggles for us? If I'm really honest, I'm currently trying to rip those little white daisies out of my tangled hair without anyone noticing-I don't want to look stupid.

Logic. Judgement. Feeling. Balance? Yes. Then I can move to the next square. Myers Briggs, brace yourself.