On Dating Duty.

I’ve been studying the letters in the word “Adventism” lately, and although I can pull the word “date” out of it (ooo, shiver), I was somewhat confused by not being able to also find “courtship,” “marriage,” “Christian offspring,” or especially, “if you don’t marry asap, you will be conversely ostracized just as quickly, so sign up for Adventist singles first…asap.” After all, I had heard such token terms companioned with "Adventism" so frequently, I had just assumed...something. It’s an amusing situation, bordering threateningly close to completely comic—in a “please put me in an insane asylum for safe keeping, I am laughing so hard right now” type of way. If you are currently a single Adventist young person, you may be laughing like this right now…self consciously, because as much as you would like to make fun of the idea, you are absolutely terrified the old elders’ tales are true—that you are already past the point of no return, that you already are a spinster, male or female, doomed to a long life of imaginary games.

Various friends of mine show the symptoms, “I don’t understand guys/girls these days…well, I mean, I can’t really because there aren’t any my age. Every Sabbath I come and sit in these pews and just stare at the couples, but mostly the white hairs, or the sullen gleam from lack of hairs. I’m getting old too. In approximately 40+ years I will be just like them. What am I going to do…? Time is running out! Wait, whoa, is that a new guy/girl? He/She’s ALONE! And he/she’s seems to be fairly alert, relatively mobile, and even breathing…I gotta check them, I mean, this out…”

I’m not exactly exaggerating. Really. I wish I was. But here we are. I just can’t figure out the mentality of, “if I appear desperate enough, I’ll be sure to find someone.” Yes, you will, though perhaps not someone who’s quite ideal; “Let me wave my neediness like a banner so as to attract all possible takers, namely those just as codependently hungry as me, aka the vultures.” While it is true that these birds of prey do commonly feed on carrion, there is no reason to place yourself so self-deprecatingly in this category just yet—I promise. Please believe me…

Despite catch-phrases like “wife-hunter” and “theology major” sending chills down all female spines the first couple years of college, these same shivering ladies will be flocking and flogging each other trying to be first in line in a few years time, after several Sabbaths alone and single in their solitary career worlds. It’s too late… Around this point, it is apparently definitely time to begin actively searching for any and all divorcees, older individuals, and if necessary, ex-cons.

It is true that women do not age well. I asked my mother at what age does it all slide irretrievably downhill. She paused and looked surprised at my question, and somewhat offended, “And you’re asking me this why? Because I know?”

“No, no! Just out of curiosity, I want to know how to mentally prepare myself.”

“Honey, you don’t need to worry about this. There isn’t an age.” Mom, yes there is.

I feel the impending doomsday lurking out there just as tangibly as every other female under 40, or maybe 37. Somehow, someway, it goes. Guys, if you’re confused about this dubious “it,” I won’t explain in hopes of keeping you in the dark. Girls, well, you know what I mean. My point is that I can sympathize with the feelings of insecurity that come with each passing week, month, year, wrinkle, sag, and scar. BUT, let us not advertise these sentiments! What ever happened to good acting? It seems we truly are too influenced by Hollywood…’s low standards in dramatic presentation. Walk with your head high in the church aisles, ladies—and not purely for the sake of scanning. Yes, yes, I refer to the infamous and widely used method of looking around nonchalantly for prospects, and if there are none, scornfully judging all of the competition (it is a fact that if you are female, more women will check you out than men in your lifetime, no contest). Forget about it all! Ignore references to “Wedding Colleges,” “Social Networking…Sabbath School Dating Services,” and DO NOT GO TO SINGLES CAMP. Do not. I would love to see my proposition that we the youth age in peace and couple in the right time with the right someone proven possible. Please.

The only regret I have about seeking to banish biologically/theologically driven, yet so chemically unstable patheticism would be the absence of a very real source of social entertainment for me. What will I laugh at and make fun of? I’m creative though and resourceful. I’ll survive. What worries me more are the chances of our survival if we continue at present—will the divorce rate climb or will we remain faithful, sufficiently solving the problem of global population by depressed copulation? Either alternative seems a sorry second to just being happy. Choose the dating diet—Eat, drink, and wait to marry, in a few years you’ll still be spry.